Tonight is a really bad night. I don't get lonely much but tonight I am. I really just want to be held and told that I love you. I really want that the most and its always bad at night. I don't know why I always fall for the ones that our unavailable to me emotionally and physically. I never think about it too much because I may not like the answer that I come up with. I just know that I am really lonely at this moment of my life.

A Reflection of the Year 2009

Its about 40 minutes until the clock strikes midnight and the year officially changes to 2o10. I've been sitting here thinking about the year 2009 and whats strange is that I can not really remember a whole lot of it. I know I've done things but I don't know what and I don't even smoke. Thats real sad..but seriously what I do remember is that I have made choices that I wish maybe I hadn't. I remember feeling not just alone but lonely. I remember being angry a whole lot and wishing that I wasn't. I remember that I wanted to be loved by a good man but instead of finding a new man I keep finding men from my past. I remember doing some good things at work. I remember turning 30 and feeling like this countdown clock started and I wasn't aware that I had one. I remember finding out the true meaning of the words "I don't make new friends, I recycle old ones" People that I thought were my friends let me down. I remember losing a friend that I thought I would have for ever. Yet I could not be mad at him because I understood his reasoning and I can only appreciate that he was man and strong enough to do it. Do I sometimes miss him? Yes I do. Do I sometimes wish that he would call me or write me? Yes I do. But I know that he is doing whats best for him and thats all I have ever wanted for him. To do whats best for him and what makes him happy. All in all 2009 was not a bad year but a interesting one. I'm glad for every experience that I have had and everything that I have learned. I only hope that 2010 brings bigger and better things. Happy New Year!

Why Are Men So Complex?

Ok, for the past couple of weeks I have been talking to this man. Hes really smart, sexy, nice and just fun. I love talking to him when I actual talk to him. We mostly text and at first it was ok but then it just became to much. I wanted to know why he was only texting me. You know as a woman, we get real suspicious. He said that his service is real bad in the house and he drops calls. At first I was like whatever! Then he called me a couple of times from the house and he was right. His service sucks in the house. I thought I could handle it but I like to conversate and get to know a person. Hes bailed on me twice on our lunch date and I don't know if hes just flaky or hestitant about dating me because of his job. He works for APS and he says that its frowned upon to date teachers. Ok I understand that but you asked me out, not the other way around. My feelings are really hurt right now because I don't know how to process this and the sad thing is I really don'y have anybody to talk to about. You knows ironic is that this must be what Lunzo felt and if it is then I am truly sorry. I still don't like Lunzo but I am sorry if he feels like this.

A Wonderful Conversation

Tonight I just had a very good conversation with a man that I think I like. I don't want to get too involved too quickly, which I have a tendacy to do. I just want to enjoy this summer and hope that maybe it brings something good. Or at least something fun and exciting. Its been so long since I've had that. I think I deserve it and I think I am going to get it. Anyway back to the conversation...We talked about work and careers. We also talked about computers and we talked about nothing. It was wonderful. I love when conversations just flow and I can't stop smiling. Thats what this was tonight...just a wonderful conversation and I'm still smiling.

What?

Ok so this is the first time that I have ever blogged but I felt like doing something new. Today is Friday, and I am so glad because I think I am trying to get sick. I need some rest and I plan to do it this weekend. Anyway, I was on FB this afternoon and something happened that made me really think about the choices I have made in my life. I have 2 male friends that I am very close too. The problem is, I have slept with them both (not at the same time) and had a relarionship with them. Although the relationship is over, we remained close and their wives don't know about me or they don't like me. As a woman I understand completely but I wish it were different. One male friend deleted me from his friends list on FB because his wife is on their now. It hurt my feelings for a minute and made me think, "Why is it that I am always that woman on the side or the woman nobody sees?" What is it about me? "What can I change?" or better "Do I know how to change?"